Previously on United States of Tara...
Hey, a... are we sure this is a suicide?
You do not want to buy
Don Hubbard's fortress of solitude.
Ha ha! Escrow just closed.
You need a real carpenter.
How much money did you give him for materials?
Sully! Give me my money back.
- Kids, go back inside. - What is happening?
We have a warrant for your husband's arrest.
I'm having memories.
It's the Hubbard house that's making it happen.
- We've got some big news. - We're pregnant!
Found out today that the baby's not Nick's.
- It's Neil's. - What?
It's my Princess Valhalla costume.
- How long have you lived here? - What do you really want to know?
Lynda and I are setting up a table
at this comic shop in KC-Mo
to sell pictures of me for money.
You don't have to get with every female
who crushes on you, Marshall.
Courtney, I don't want to put my boner in...
Do that stuff with boys, and then come home to me.
Do you see what's happening here?
A large cell has moved through the area.
- Where are you going? - Hubbard's basement. It's bigger. Come on. Let's go.
- You're not worried about Neil's baby, are you? - You mean Nick's.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
What about the tornado?
- It's over. - Where's mom going?
She'll be back.
Open up the sky.
This mess is getting high.
It's windy, and our family needs a ride.
I know we'll be just fine.
When we learn to love the ride.
I know we'll be fine.
When we learn to love the ride.
I know we'll be just fine.
When we learn to love the ride.
Hello?
Tara?
Max?
W... where are you? Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm fine.
I've been worried about you all night.
I seem to do that to people.
I just got a call.
Guess who's paying us a visit at one o'clock.
Department of family fuckin' services.
It's the Sully thing.
Court's sending someone over to check on the kids...
make sure I'm not an unfit parent.
Tara?
Hello?
Yeah, yeah. I'm... I heard you.
Honey, y... you got to come home.
This guy's gonna be here in about five hours.
And that tornado was not our friend.
Someone... let's call her "Kate"...
left the back door open.
There is dirt and shit all over the place.
How bad is it?
When's the last time you were in New Orleans?
Okay.
I'm on my way.
You can do this, Marshall. You just have to be direct.
Tell Courtney what's what.
Yeah, and if she still won't go away, tell her that fucking her
was like fucking a rusty can full of thumbtacks.
You know, you don't have to hate women to love men, Lionel.
Yeah.
Still can't believe you buried the bone in her front yard.
I just don't know what else I can say to her.
She has this crazy idea that a straight woman and a gay man
can live happily together, even though it's a lie.
She's just taking a page out of the playbook
of Dorothy Nelson Reilly.
So, I guess this isn't a date.
You brought your boyfriend?
I was hoping we'd do this like Europeans,
where he and I wouldn't meet until your funeral.
For the record,
Marshall and I are just friends.
I'm Hany.
Charmed.
Wow.
You actually managed to undersell this.
I can't catch a break.
It's just life, Max.
I don't get it. I'm a good guy.
I pay my taxes, I refrain from hitting my kids,
and I... you know...
You what?
Well, we're fucked. Okay?
We're just... we're not gonna be able
to clean this shit up in four hours.
You think it'd look bad to this guy if I was a little drunk?
Max, there's plenty of time.
Whoever they send over here
is not gonna hold the tornado against you.
Unless you caused the tornado.
Did you cause the tornado?
Yeah.
What if it doesn't go well?
With everything that goes on around this house,
what if we can't pull it off?
Oh, hey.
Stop thinking like that.
We're total pros at convincing people we're normal.
I'll go get Kate,
and then we'll knock this place into shape together.
You and me, right?
You and me.
I don't understand.
Why doesn't anybody want a picture with me?"
I'm cute. I'm lovable.
My shit ain't 50.
Is that what you want to be when you grow up?
A traveling sales rep for Worldwide Poonany Incorporated?
What are you?
She's Princess Valhalla Hawkwind.
What?
You want to take a picture with me?
What are your superpowers?
I don't have a vagina.
Let's go to Popeyes and get some chicken.
I...
We...
Please get to a predicate.
I live for this shit.
Here's the thing.
There's a thing that happens when two people have a thing.
But if that thing turns out not to be a thing,
um, the thing is...
Help.
Okay, Courtney, here's the deal.
It's over.
Marshall no longer wants a relationship with you.
Is that how you feel, Marshall?
Yeah.
That's all you have to say?
Yeah.
Fine.
We're done.
Could somebody get me some pie?
Do you...
just get me some fucking pie!
Uh, one pie of pie, please?
Are they gone?
"They" who?
Tara.
Oh, yeah. She's picking up Kate.
Good... I mean, I know she's your wife,
so I should keep my mouth shut,
but she can't keep hers shut,
so why can't you keep your fucking mouth shut, bitch?
Okay.
Time for a little chitchat.
Um, I get the anger, 'cause we're all angry.
But here's the deal... this thing with Neil,
you can't keep hiding stuff from him,
'cause it's not cool.
I mean, the engagement was one thing,
but come on... you're having the man's baby.
This isn't a game.
It's not fair.
I know.
Well, tell him, please.
I will.
God. Crazy Craine women.
Between you and your sister...
This shit with this guy coming over...
I don't got a good feeling about it.
Relax. You'll be fine.
It's not me I'm worried about.
What if I don't want to go home?
Kate, please don't do this. Not today. Dad needs us.
Just put these clothes on, and let's go.
If I was the real Princess Valhalla Hawkwind,
I would summon the mighty serpent Karek
and I would send you back to Bandalquaig.
Ah. Maiden's mother returns.
Hey. Lynda.
That's me.
I was thinking about you the whole way over here.
I mean, not the whole way. That sounds stalkery.
Occasionally, a thought would pop into my head.
It was nothing. I just...
Mom.
You know when I saw you in your studio a couple of weeks ago?
I just...
I don't know if Kate told you that I'm also an artist.
She has.
Anyway, something about that place just made me...
Wow, I am blabbering. I'm gonna start over.
Hi.
Hello.
Okay. Apparently, I have to leave.
Yes. The Princess is needed back at the castle.
Oh, fly away, my pretty.
This happenin' ain't happenin'.
This sucks. My lunch isn't even here yet.
As you were saying?
Oh.
That was nothing. Silly.
Is this who Kate's supposed to be?
It is.
She's pretty obsessed with this whole Princess thing.
Mm-hmm.
She gets that way.
You know, last year,
she was dead-set on running the Barnabeez Corporation.
And when she was in the fifth grade,
she was certain she was gonna grow up
to be just like Anne Frank.
Yeah. She never finished the book.
Is there a target around here?
I don't really know the area.
Hey, what are you doing that I'm not doing?
You had a huge line all day.
I might as well be handing out my own farts.
Oh, well, yeah.
It's hardly ever about the comic books.
Yeah, I know... sex sells. Blah, blah, blah.
Well, mock it all you want, sweetheart.
Knatasha Knightblade
put two kids through the university of Wisconsin.
Do you have an e-mail list?
No.
You should get an e-mail list.
You know, that way, you have direct access to your revenue stream.
I made things easier for myself.
I started an online wish list.
It's kind of like a bridal registry.
Let's say you want a dishwasher.
So, you go on there, and you help them get off online.
They do what they do,
and voila ... your dishes are sparkling clean.
Oh, I'm waning.
I need my Insulin.
Just give me...
hey, buddy, uh...
You got, uh, company.
Did you, um...
Clean up the trash in the front yard, like I asked?
I was just...
Yeah. Okay, buddy.
I like what you've done with your living room.
Very "Grey Gardens."
I've got a bunch of stuff to do.
We need to talk.
I had an epiphany.
This morning, that wasn't you talking.
I know you better than that.
So, I started thinking...
"Why would Marshall break up with me?"
" We had a system in place. It was all worked out."
It's so obvious.
Your boyfriend, Hany, is brainwashing you.
He's not my boyfriend.
I don't care what he is.
He's feeding you his own agenda, and you're buying into it.
It's classic Stockholm syndrome.
Courtney...
What?
I got to go.
Hey, the guy's gonna be here in two hours.
Give me a call when you get this.
Let me know when you're coming home. Love you. Bye.
Hey. Did you, uh, bring the vac?
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, man. It's a zoo out there.
Like, half of Metcalf Avenue doesn't exist anymore.
What have you guys been talking about in here?
Uh, the Royals... Kansas City Royals.
So, I still say the problem with their pitching
is you got Greinke and you got Soria and nothing in between.
They never should have gotten rid of...
Dotel. Wah-wah. I know.
Why do you have such a hard-on for that guy?
Whoa! Whoa! What can I say, man?
I have a thing for tubby Dominicans who have a blazing-hot fastball.
That's not a hard-on.
That's all you guys have been talking about? Nothing else?
Nope.
Really?
Because I thought that you told me
you had something really important to tell Neil.
Yeah. Yeah, I... I did.
Um...
Neil...
I...
I'm having...
Uh...
I'm having a surprise party for Nick for his birthday,
and I was wondering if you could brew
some of your special homemade beer.
Yeah, sure. Sure.
Okay. So, um, back to baseball.
You know, they should just yank Frank White
out of the broadcast booth and put him...
Hey, here's a Royals fun fact for you.
Charmaine's pregnant with your baby.
Um...
What?
When... when were you gonna tell me?
I...
Take your time. I mean...
I...
The... the kid's gonna be a mutt.
What are you... Scotch-Irish?
And... and... and I'm half p-polish,
half punching bag.
Congratulations, Charm. You officially have no soul.
Why the fuck did you do that?
'Cause you were never gonna tell him.
You're an asshole!
Yeah. I'm the asshole.
Neil...
Oh, fuck off, Charmaine!
Just wait! Look.
You can't just run away from your problems!
Wow. Really?
Holy shit!
Okay, yes, yes, yes. I should have told you.
But I...
Aah!
Everything is so fucked up. I jus...
I'm getting married.
Okay, do you know how hard it is to plan a wedding?
So, what do we do?
Wha...
the right thing.
Get an abortion.
Neil!
You are clearly not ready for motherhood.
So, then I take out this new canvas, and I think,
"fuck. What I wouldn't give for an artograph super prism."
Sophie's choice...
either that or give up eating for a year.
500 dollar for a goddamn projector? Fuck you.
Mm. You know, I've got an artograph.
Guess how many times I've used it.
Once.
Wrong. Never. It's still in the box.
I just haven't been feeling inspired to work at home lately.
When I saw you and your work and that fucking world you made,
I just thought to myself,
"I made a wrong turn somewhere."
"How the hell did I end up in overland park?"
Okay, time to go. Say goodbye.
Shit. You're right.
Uh, listen, if you want to borrow my projector,
you're more than welcome.
Hell yeah.
- Well, come with us. - Now?
Yeah, come now.
Stop unplugging the vac!
I'm trying to make a fucking panini!
That wasn't me!
Cutting it a little close?
I'm so sorry. The traffic was awful.
What's she doing here?
Max!
The guy's gonna be here in an hour.
I'm just getting Lynda a few art supplies,
and then I'll be right back.
I'll be out of here in two minutes.
Glad you could join us.
What's your problem?
Mom!
Isn't she always the problem?
Okay.
When my sister moved into my craft room,
I didn't know where to put everything,
so I just threw it all out here.
"Craft room"?
Yeah.
Exactly... "craft room." It's so fucking housewife.
God, what am I... Martha Stewart?
I'm gonna make some earrings out of a pipe cleaner
and turn a pumpkin into a chandelier?
I actually need to get Max to turn this into a studio for me.
By the way, I'm sorry about him.
He's not usually so...
There's a lot going on today.
You mean, you have days when there's not a lot going on?
Ugh!
Wow.
You should get back to painting. These are...
Oh... thanks. Most of those are just...
Ah. Here it is.
Oh!
Ooh, God.
Who's this?
I... think that's a portrait I must have painted
of our dead neighbor.
Why?
I wish I knew.
Wish you knew?
Wish I knew
why it was so important to him that we all went away.
Your neighbor?
Don?
No.
Your husband?
This morning, I woke up on his grave.
His grave.
Yeah.
I don't... always understand
the reasons I do what I do when I lose time.
Hence the word "dissociation,"
which pretty much means I black out a lot.
But I keep hoping that someday
I'll be all here all the time.
Well, speaking as someone who is all here all the time,
no, you don't.
Why do you think I smoke so much weed?
fourthdoctor@hotmail.com.
sevenofninelovr@gmail.com.
darknihlist@rocketmail.com.
pondababa4322@aol.com.
Hmm.
My neighborhood has this "first Fridays" thing every month.
Come down. Make something.
Show some shit to some people again.
Say goodbye to Kate for me.
Later.
Thanks, Tara. Thanks a lot.
I know. I'm sorry. I got caught up.
I needed you today.
Not to clean up the shit from the yard
or sweep up the glass.
I needed you for me!
Fuck! I don't ask for much around here!
Oh, my.
How marvelous.
Oh, it's so liberating, being back in the saddle again.
Why, it's like being handed the keys
to a brand-new Chevrolet.
There's my little Marshall!
Well, not so little anymore.
You've mushroomed into a real tiger.
Hello again, Alice.
Oh, I don't... I don't have time for this today.
At least it's not buck.
Hey, Alice, it's... it's really nice that you'd pop by,
but I have some company...
don't you touch me!
I know what you did.
We all do.
Throwing us in the trash, like yesterday's leftovers.
Poisoning us with those dirty little pills.
I got a postcard from T.
She's living on the streets of Seattle,
and she referred to herself as a gutter punk.
Alice, can we just...
you tried to kill me.
Alice, I need you to trust me.
There is so much that we need to talk about.
And I want to do that. I do.
But I'm in a little bit of a pickle here.
And right now, the only person I really need is Tara.
Oh, you can't get rid of me again.
You have no idea what you've done.
The pain you've caused... toying with people's lives
as if they're nothing more than paper dolls.
Is that Alice?
Hey, just...
Oh, how noble thou art, so consumed with playing the white knight.
You're nothing but a murderer.
Courtney, what are you doing here?
I brought you something.
So... this is your little friend.
Well, you're a regular Rose of Tralee.
Come on in, dear. Make yourself at home.
I'll fetch you some sweet tea,
and we'll have a little get-to-know-you.
Marsh, T-minus two.
Kate!
You have got to go, okay? This is the worst possible time.
I'll leave.
I just want to give you this.
It's a liar box. It's for liars.
It's filled with mementos from every lie in our relationship.
Our first date, to the Buster Keaton film festival...
Lie.
The "Marshall and Courtney" dog tags we got at Petco...
Lie.
The scene in drama we did from " Duck Variations"...
Lie!
How does any of that make me a liar?
Because!
You said you cared about me.
You said we were gonna make this work.
Now you're dumping me.
And all I want is a simple explanation.
Why can't you come clean with me?
Just because I don't share every thought in my head with you
does not mean that I'm a liar!
Do you want to know the truth?
Here it is.
This was never a real relationship!
You are so fucked up.
You're so afraid of finding out who you really are,
you'd rather be married to someone you know is gay
than risk being rejected by someone who could actually love you!
Young man, that's no way to speak to a lady.
How could I love you, Courtney?
I'm embarrassed for you!
Hey, Marsh, keep it down.
But I didn't say anything,
because I am a decent human being.
Because I've learned in my life
that as much as I want to tell my sister
that she's not as clever and special as she thinks she is
or tell my aunt that she's a pathological narcissist
or tell my dad to wake up because my mother's disease is gonna bury us all,
it's better to keep my goddamn mouth shut!
Oh, fuck!
What's she doing?
Courtney, you got to go right now.
I was... Just thinking the same thing.
Nice work, Marsh. Hope you like your new family.
Anyone?
Gimme!
Aah!
Hello. We're the Gregsons. Come in. Come in.
I'm Max, and this is my daughter, Kate,
and my son, Marshall.
And I'm Max's wife... uh, Tara Gregson.
That's a dog.
Uh, yeah, we had to lock her in the laundry room.
She went a little crazy and did a little number on a pitcher of sweet tea.
Watch your step.
Well, if that's all the damage you had
after that tornado, you did okay.
My house looks like a bomb went off.
Oh, well.
And since that day, we never go a Sunday without bowling.
Well, as far as I'm concerned, everything checks out okay.
Oh, what did I tell you, honey?
I'll file the paperwork tomorrow and tell the courts
that the children are in a safe environment.
I don't know what got you into this situation,
but if it were me,
from now on, I'd keep my temper in check.
But you're a big boy. It's your life.
Yeah.
This is my life.